Parenting in Prison (Notes from a Newbie)

Walking into prison for the very first time is an emotionally intense experience, no matter what the circumstances. I wondered what it would be like to deliver a course on Parenting in prison. In my experience, people can find it quite difficult to talk about what they find hard and I imagined that this would be even more of a challenge in a prison setting, especially when it came to parenting.

It’s probably not too difficult for any of us to imagine how hard it must be to parent from prison, especially when, in many cases, access to their children has been severely restricted or denied. And let’s be honest, who hasn’t experienced, either as a parent or a child, parenting efforts going awry and the pain and confusion that is experienced in those moments where hurt is caused, however unintentionally?

Parenting is a deep and broad ever-changing and dynamic skill set that encompasses many abilities, capacities, insights and practices. There are competing and contradictory schools of thought, there can be confusion, shame, loneliness, uncertainty and, in the midst of it all, there are mothers who are doing their best with what they are capable of and what they know how to do (and don’t) on the brunt of collective unforgiveness and harsh judgement. Parenting is an imperfect science for all of us, even with capacity, resources and the best of intentions.

The bleak outlook is summed up in Philip Larkin’s poem, This Be The Verse. To keep the language clean enough to be suitable for this blog, I shall not quote the most (in)famous line but share instead another, which well encapsulates the central idea that Larkin shares:

“Man hands on misery to man.”

It’s probably also not too difficult for any of us to understand how hard it can be to be open and vulnerable about our biggest struggles, even with loved ones or trusted friends or partners. Being vulnerable is very humbling. It’s about rejecting the temptation to put a brave face on things and appear to be stronger and more successful than we actually are. In a sense it is an acknowledgement of our failures and limitations, a kind of surrender. It is the turning over of our tender truth to another.

There is risk in that.

There is a sacredness in that also. An entrusting of something tender and precious to another person. And sadly, all too often, this can be met with unhelpful or minimising reactions, which mean that we then learn that it can be unproductive or perhaps even dangerous to be open and vulnerable. This can be encoded from a very early age or later on in life.

This is often the case with people from difficult or deprived backgrounds that encompass trauma and hardship. However, it can also be true of people who are seemingly triumphing in life. I coach people from all walks of life, but also including high achievers such as senior executives, academics and successful entrepeneurs. Sometimes the challenge with these clients is for them to allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to actually get into the deeper work necessary at times to create meaningful and lasting change.

So, I was very curious how our Parenting Course would be received by these women who were in the unimaginably difficult situation of parenting from within prison. I had wondered whether the women we would be working with would perhaps be guarded, hardened and unwilling to collaborate in a group setting. What would the group dynamics be? How would each woman respond individually? What were their challenges and the essence of their reality?

And although I can safely still refer to myself as a newbie in all of this and undoubtedly still have a lot to learn, I was struck, on that first day, by the women’s willingness to be open and vulnerable in our group work. It took me by surprise.

The shame and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown is probably best known for shifting a generation’s perception on the meaning of vulnerability. Her central idea is this:

“Vulnerability is not weakness, it is our greatest measure of courage.”  

The Imago Dei Parenting Course aims to resource women so that they are better able to parent their children, even from within the prison walls and within the constraints defined by their sentence. Many of the women have little or no lived experience of effective, loving parenting themselves. Many have grown up in the care system or in unhealthy family systems that include abuse, addiction and deprivation. They are usually really clear on what they don’t want to have happen to their children. Much of our work is redirecting them to more powerful positive outcomes:

What do they want to see for their children? 

What is the purpose of being a parent?

What will help prepare their children to be successful adults who are able to live in community, contribute positively and make good choices for themselves and others?

As well as thinking ahead, this means also looking at past situations that have posed difficulty, regrets and mistakes. It has been very moving to see the women’s reflections and lightbulb moments as they have opened up and found themselves being met with warmth, empathy and support from the other mothers. Some are absolutely swallowed up in shame and regret initially and the vulnerability of others begins to allow them to unfurl and know that there are people who understand their situation and that they are not alone in their struggle and fear. Others are tough and defensive, but begin to soften in the presence of the group and through the exercises and questions raised on the course. Together we work to broaden their perspective and understanding so that they are equipped to set their parenting in a new direction or to build on the positive aspects that are already there. Prison is a hostile environment and vulnerability in this environment requires immense courage.

The Parenting Course provides a safe and supportive space for women to consider their goals and direction as parents, and to find a way to keep going for the good of their child, sometimes in the face of seemingly insurmountable hurdles.

Motherhood requires forebearance, courage, wisdom and strength. We do it better when we are supported, understood and able to share the ups and downs. As the old saying goes: It takes a village. That’s true even when, or perhaps especially when, behind bars. We can’t do it alone, we need the support, wisdom and insight of others both on the outside and on the inside.

As Brené Brown says:

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity.”

Witnessing these women transform from isolation, anger, shame and despair to belonging, empathy and creativity not only for themselves but their children and their grandchildren in the future is a powerful reminder of the transformative power of vulnerability.