The journey I never thought I would be on

I never in a million trillion years thought I would end up in prison, it wasn’t like I made a bucket list and put hey let’s go to prison for a few years! Or even put a diary entry on my Michael Buble calendar this is the day let’s get arrested, but unfortunately this is the journey I have found myself on.

It’s been a hard and long journey where life lessons have been learnt. I used to be a strong independent person and confident who would freely share my life and talk to anyone, I thought I was quite street wise, but those skills couldn’t prepare me for prison. Life skills you quickly must learn in prison, like who to trust and who to let in, basically don’t trust anyone! When to put the barriers up, how to protect yourself when in prison and believe me it’s not like anything you see on TV. Prison is hard it’s not like a holiday camp with no alcohol as public perception would have it.

You are separated from all you’ve known, your friends and family, limited social visits, limited time to speak on the phone if you can get to a phone, no privacy, limited daylight and exercise with not great healthy diet.

There are moments where you live with anxiety and insecurity, left with your own thoughts. Which doesn’t help anyone’s mental health.

When people ask me how I got through my sentence. I tell them I did as many courses as I could and gained qualifications that never entered my mind before prison. I worked on myself; this was my life now and I had to keep myself sane before going insane. I had to show my children that when life throws you lemons make lemonade, always find the positive in the negative and no matter what - you can achieve, whatever is in your heart.

I never thought I would find myself on this journey, being separated from my family and friends and most of all my children, watching them from afar growing up without me.

Some will say well you did the crime, suck it up and you have to do the time! But it’s not just me doing the time for something that I didn’t intentionally mean to happen, it’s everyone who is close to me. They are doing the time too! Which is not fair.

Finally, I am in my last few months of my sentence, and I can honestly say that without Imago Dei being in my life while I have been in prison with the support, I have received I probably wouldn’t be here today to write this blog post.

Through the Parenting, Understanding Forgiveness, Living with Loss and the favourite course of mine FLOURISH. They helped me, they gave me the opportunity to find a new confidence in my abilities and to have the knowledge and the skills to have a purpose, to keep me focused on what is important and that this nightmare journey does not need to define me, and I can have a future with dreams and goals.

My goals were to get to an open prison and to find an employment placement while I could access ROTLS (Release on Temporary License) to not only build my confidence and self-esteem but to also save a little so that I can provide for my children and my future upon release.

As much as I have employment and have been saving for release unfortunately my struggles are not over.  I will need to find accommodation suitable for not only me but my children.  One thing I keep hearing is that private landlords are hard to find that will let out their property to an ex-offender, unless you have Guarantor that is earning 3x the annual rent!  Who in this financial climate earns that much or can pay a hefty deposit, so the only option is going to the councils to see if they can offer housing and they say sorry we have nothing as you ended up in prison and made yourself intentionally homeless.

So, the cycle repeats itself, if I don’t have a place to live, I can’t provide for my children. If I don’t have a place to live, it is hard to maintain employment or even find a job. If I can’t find suitable accommodation and then what! my life goes back to prison on a recall because I can’t maintain my license conditions that probation have set for me to abide by and I become another statistic.

This is my first time in prison and will be my only time, I truly do not want to end up back in prison. My community probation officer says I am a lucky one because I have a plan A,B,C and not many do and I am making her life easier because I have employment, and I have been saving. However, it is still an anxious time not knowing - the unknown of where I will be in four months’ time upon my release and waiting for decisions to be made that are out of my control.  

With Imago Dei’s fourth project of Grace House, which is exciting and amazing! It will help so many women released from prison that have nowhere to go upon release and would otherwise be potentially homeless through the simple judgment of being a prison leaver who has made themselves intentionally homeless through going to prison. Surely, we have done the time, so why do we still have to pay for the time!

The Cycle – Bad life choices – Prison /rehabilitation – upon release left to you to find accommodation/employment/ rejected all the time/ just to survive make more Bad life Choices /end up in prison again and again.

This cycle needs to stop, and it can only stop with the authorities and government making positive changes as well as public perception being changed and giving those who need it second chances.

Thank goodness for charities like Imago Dei who see the worth in investing time and energy, giving support in prison but also in the community too, by providing a way to change lives for the better and for women to see their self-worth.

I am one of the lucky ones, I have a good supportive family and friends and employment but so many don’t, and they need just someone to give them a second chance.